Fred Rogers introduced a song in the early 1970’s that was often played on the children’s show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, entitled “It’s You I Like”* I remember the words rattling around in my head and spirit throughout the mid-1990’s when my children were watching the show.
At the time, I was a young wife and mom of two, striving and striving to do all the things right. The empathetic voice of Mister Rogers filled the background of my daily work, striking a chord of longing that confused me. “It’s you I like, every part of you, your skin, your eyes, your feelings, whether old or new.”
During those achievement-oriented days, I am not certain I could have verbalized the difference between the striving of my personality and the essence of it.
“…the way you are right now, the way down deep inside you…” I did not know what that meant.
For much of my life, I struggled to understand the intrinsic, essential value that Mr. Rogers sang of.
What or who was I, if not the things I did?
As I grew older, I became more aware of this striving, achieving tendency that I have utilized as a strategy to remain safe and secure.
I was reminded again, just recently. I am in training as a chaplain resident at a large hospital. The training is called Clinical Pastoral Education, or CPE for short. The clinical part of CPE takes a deep dive into the shadowy interiors of chaplain candidate experiences as we grow in our understanding that our learned ways of being might potentially compromise our provision of care for others. The CPE clinical model, Action-Reflection-New Action, helps candidates differentiate from learned patterns and tendencies in order to provide meaningful care for the patient.
One of the projects which my cohort completed focused on the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a behavioral modeling system that uses nine personality types, combining traditional wisdom with modern psychology. It is “a powerful tool for understanding ourselves and the people in our lives regarding personal and spiritual growth; relationships at home and at work; and leadership development, team building and communication skills for organizations.”**
I have worked with the Enneagram system in previous vocational roles. Even so, re-exploring the “type” I most identify with has allowed clarity for when my proclivity toward agendas and goals gets in the way of compassionate, other-oriented care.
I embody the Enneagram type whose members long to achieve in ways that are measurable; in ways that allow others to take notice and say, “Good job!” Those of us who identify in this way learned early in life that affirmation from critical people in our formation ensured safety and security. Successful achievement was crucial to one’s value then and often is still.
Yet in the role of hospital chaplain, this measure of achievement doesn’t hold. I can go through much of a day without making a meaningful connection with those on my carefully created agenda. A patient might be sleeping or talking with their medical team when I arrive. A patient might decline the opportunity for spiritual or emotional care. On such days, there is no way to assess my work in ways that indicate success. Chaplain visits are unpredictable, inefficient by metrics standards, and often messy. This is not a combination that garners a “Well done!” in my work experience. Feelings of vocational confidence can be hard to come by on these days.
As a younger woman, I remember observing the confidence that oozed from some older women. That’s it, I would think. That’s how I want to be one day. I know now that the women I admired had learned how to “be.” They had settled into their innate worth. not because outside voices told them they were valuable, but because they had learned to believe the voice inside–the one that told them of their value. They trusted that voice.
I’m still sorting it out. It’s easier to believe the opinion of others or the affirmation of data. Yet as Mr. Rogers’ lyrics affirm, I have also begun to recognize the voice of the Divine that softly sings, “It’s you I like…and not the things that hide you.”
The little girl who learned to achieve is soothed by this song and the woman who continues to unlearn early messages is beginning to believe it too.
“I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself,
It’s you.
It’s you I like.”
*It’s You I Like, Written by Fred Rogers | © 1971, Fred M. Rogers
** https://theenneagramatwork.com/what-is-the-enneagram-1
Jill English is an avid encourager of people and a lover of words. She is most at home out-of-doors, especially if the out-of-doors involves a beach. Her most magical moments happen as ‘Mimi’ while spending time with her well-loved grandchildren and her adult kids. Jill spends her workdays helping others discern vocational call through theological education. Her favorite conversations involve connecting the sacred dots of everyday life and faith. Jill lives in Grand Rapids, MI with two small, elderly pups.
Jill, as a fellow 1 I resonated so much with the struggle you articulated so beautifully. It feels utterly confounding that we could be loved for ourselves. I’m receiving your piece as encouragement from God that it’s really true that it’s me he likes. Thank you.